The big picture...

Monday, December 21, 2009

Latest Weigh in and 'stuff'

Been a roller coaster of a couple of weeks with relationship wobbles at home and long days at work that prevented seeing the wobbles before they became complete jello. This was the closest that D and I have come to ever really ending it but he is the king of self help and there are now books littering the floor bursting with tips, action plans and checklists to start us back on the road to awesome. Reading doesn't come naturally to D so I love him even more for wanting to work at this and we'll do it one page at a time.

Amazing how you can go from what you think is awesome to 'pretty shit really' in the blink of an eye. Nevermind. Moving on. But needless to say the scales have been telling me I'm not in control. Gain of a whole kg (3.8 pounds) over the past 2.5 weeks. Impressive in the completely wrong way. Was tempted to not post - quit - start again - pretend I never tried. But then re read my posts so far and was reminded of how awesome it feels to be in control, how much all of you have achieved and how these challenges only make us stronger.

Merry Christmas everyone!

Sunday, December 6, 2009

Letting food win

I don't want this to be a totally negative post but a 12 hour day at work on a Sunday has found me getting crap out of the vending machine, having leftover pizza and then eating more junk when I got home out of sheer lazyiness. Hmmm. I feel like I've got a hangover. I know this isn't good! It's 10:30. I'm going to bed before I do more damage.

Thursday, December 3, 2009

Week 11 weigh in

There was a wohoo from the bathroom this morning as the scales showed another 800 gram loss (1.7 pounds). I'm now only 200 grams away from Christmas goal of 93 kg.

My project at work is finally making some forward progress which is awesome but also means 12 hour days. I'm packing plenty of healthy snacks to remove the vending machine temptation and am thankful that it's summer and my office doesn't have air conditioning - the heat sure does put a dampener on the appetite!

Will be working through the weekend but hope to make time to catch up on everyone’s blogs – your successes are awesome motivation!

Thursday, November 26, 2009

Week 10 weigh in (10 weeks!)

The scales were good to me this week (to make up for last week) and show an 800 gram loss (1.7 pounds) wohoo!

I've been reading a lot this week about other 'losers' relationships with their partners and how they are sometimes challenged by the physical and mental changes appearing in their loved one who is getting healthy. I am reminded how incredibly lucky I am to have D who is super supportive (even if he does worry about my boobs shrinking). Last night he cooked on the BBQ (I even saw him pat the spray oil off the potato with a paper towel), had salad and had not only bought, but also hulled, a huge bowl of strawberries for desert. He rocks! This week is dedicated to him :).

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

On a high from what?

Have had such a good week so far and am at a loss to explain why. Maybe it's the multi-vitamin I've started taking. Maybe it's because I'm at the end of my cycle (but that normally makes me grumpy?). Maybe my thyroid is up. Maybe it's the encouragement gained from reading all the fantastic blogs and success stories that are out there.

Either way, I'm experiencing a general feeling of awesomeness and am ridiculously motivated to walk, eat well, smile lots and perhaps even revisit my goal weight. Let's wait and see what the scales say tomorrow morning!

Monday, November 23, 2009

TGIM - Thank goodness for Monday

Yep, TGIM. There's not even an undertone of sarcasm with this one. Sunday saw me on a go slow due to back pain, crummy weather and the excuse of D being home to watch TV with. The cupboards were bare and neither of us could be motivated to do grocery shopping so did a quick snack run instead. I know I verbally said (at least twice) "I don't want food to cheer me up - you know I have a problem with it!", and even sat in the car while D went inside. And then he came out with corn chips and marshmallow Santa's face lit up like a Christmas tree. Pathetic.

But it did the trick - funk gone, all calories accounted for and today is a 'make up' day. So what makes this such a good Monday? Back pain mostly gone, I'm in charge of the calories...and a quickie before work helped too...must do that more often!

Friday, November 20, 2009

Week 9 weigh in

Should have titled this post "the week I kick my own arse". Erm...yea. The weight I lost last week came back. And I totally know why and am damn lucky it wasn't more. I wasn't consistently logging calories and portion control went completely out the window after my mouth ulcers healed and I was able to eat yummy (bad, bad BAD) food again.

There's only 5 weeks until Christmas and I want to get to 93kg (205lbs) by then which will mark the 5% lost mark. So this is the week that I stop pretending it can be easy and actually work at it!

* And thanks for your continued encouragement POD - much appreciated :)

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Good relationships pause the urge to eat

Soon after I started my current job (just over a year ago), I promised myself that I would make the effort to 'meet' at least one new work colleague every day. This could be just by talking to them over the phone or in person but it had to be away from email or instant messaging. My job is a lot easier if I have good relationships with my internal customers (my ‘users’)!

The project I'm working on has me head down, bum up a lot of the time so this week I have made the effort to get back to the personal stuff. And it's paying off. Seeing the excitement in someone face after simply asking them for their opinion gives me a real rush, stops me from getting in a work funk and reaching for the chocolate...or wine :).

Thursday, November 12, 2009

Week 8 weigh in

Work has been exasperating over the last week and I’ve now got 4 gorgeous mouth ulcers that make me feel like I’ve been punched in the face when I wake up in the morning.

The little things that have previously been getting me through the day have been put aside… sugar free gum, yoghurt, tomatoes, rice crackers, even oatmeal is agony!  Chocolate milk and cheese is my friend. Never mind – 400 grams down (.8 of a pound). Can’t complain! 

Have started taking B12, zinc and iron to try and kick my immune system back to the 'on' I just need to make peace with my failing project at work.

Thursday, November 5, 2009

Week 7 weigh in

I can't believe it's been 7 weeks already!  300 grams off after a week of not counting calories much so I'm pretty happy. Have still been watching portion sizes and making sure the balance of protein, carbs and good fats is there (and no sugary drinks) - it's paying off!

Reading a lot of blogs for inspiration - there are some amazing achievements out there! Next mini goal is to get to 93kg for Christmas which will be the 5% mark...bring it on!

Thursday, October 29, 2009

Week 6 weigh in

700 grams down and I'm under the 210 pound mark...small victory! Hoping that next week will see me in the bottom half of the 90's.

Been noticing that eating smaller portions and making good choices is getting easier. Another weekend on my own coming up so hopefully I can keep it going.

Thursday, October 22, 2009

Week 5 weigh in

I did it! The 500 grams that came back last week are gone again. Back under the 96 kg mark - yay! Must remember to look at my postings and diary for this week when feeling disheartened as I've managed to lose this while still being very social and I only exercised once. I made some great food choices and it's shown on the scales...thank goodness!

So proud of myself

Am home from my work trip and I'm so proud of myself and the willpower I found while away. I turned down the offer of going out for a late dinner one night and got my sauce on the side, left fries on my plate and declined desert the second night. I also only had one plate at the breakfast buffet - the old me would have been too worried about what others thought to do any of this and not only did I do it but it wasn’t hard!

I am so excited that I had the inner strength to do this – I'm finally starting to develop the good habits I’ll need to succeed long term.

Monday, October 19, 2009

Breaking into a jog

I went for a 6.4km walk yesterday and my legs are really feeling it today. Which is great - I do practically zero exercise but I do like the reminder of calories burned for the next day or so 'post exertion'. And don't tell anyone but there was even a point where I broke into a jog just to see what it would feel like. I think the answer is 'jiggly'.

I also did really well with food choices over the weekend despite attending a housewarming, going out to dinner with a friend and spending Sunday by myself with only the TV and fridge for company. Am away for work over the next couple of days - need to find the strength to not pig out at the breakfast buffet!

Thursday, October 15, 2009

Week 4 weigh in

I shouldn't be surprised - half a kilo back on this week and I can't gasp in horror pretending I don't know why.

Nevermind - food diary obsession is back and I'm determined that this 500 grams won't be there next week.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Time to get back on the horse

I've been in a complete funk since last Thursday and my food choices (and consumption thereof) have reflected this. And the really dumb thing is that I could tell that bad food in = bad mood out but still I kept going and even stopped updating my food diary. 

This morning I woke up in a better frame of mind and I'm determined that I will not give in on the long term goal. I may see a gain on the scales this week but that will be Ok. I can lose it next week or the week after - imagine if I did nothing and kept eating crap for the next year? It would be worse than failing a diet. I would be failing myself.

Friday, October 9, 2009

Letting food win

I let a bad day get the best of me yesterday and completely gave in to the food demons. My project at work has more things broken than working and I'd only seen a 200 gram loss in the morning. Why bother? I had taken my lunch into work but cooked too much rice - thought I'd leave some behind but ate it all and felt very content afterwards.

Couldn't be bothered thinking about dinner and suggested chinese takeout when asked and stuffed myself full of chicken chow mein, sweet and sour pork and combination fried rice.

To top it off I managed to reach the box of FLIPZ on the top of the pantry and had some for desert. Still in a funk today so can't claim to be back in the saddle just yet...bring on the weekend.

Thursday, October 8, 2009

Week 3 weigh in

This morning the scales finally dipped under 96kg but only just. A 200 gram loss feels pathetic. Even when converted it's less than half a pound. I should be pleased - a loss is a loss right? Am tagging this with success but it really doesn't feel like it.

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Carrot on the end of the stick

The 'experts' recommend setting small targets to help you feel like you're achieving something when you're still soooo far away from your end goal. And let's face it, I love playing with spreadsheets so any excuse for a calculation! Here we go...


5% loss
Under 200lbs
D cleans my car
10% loss
Under 190lbs
15% loss
Book the Tattoo!
BMI = 30
New Lingerie
Maintain for month
Order new laptop!
It's at this point I have to remind myself that this blog is to keep me accountable and not meant to inspire others...'cause lets face it, this is pretty lame.

Friday, October 2, 2009

I'd kill for a poached egg

After straying from the path and inhaling so many calories at lunch (see Accidents can happen) you’d think I wouldn’t need dinner. But I’m starving. I don’t want to make matters worse by giving up on today entirely - the peanut butter can stay in the pantry.

What I really want is a silky poached egg. I tried to cook one but I think the eggs are past it – total disaster. Which makes me want one even more. Preferably glazed with hollandaise sauce next to a couple of bacon rashers…argh! However I am determined that I can still eat healthy when I’m alone. Thanks for listening. Time to stare at the fridge some more.

Accidents can happen

I had my first food fumble today. A colleague and I went to the pub for a celebratory lunch and while I managed to request no cheese on my burger I then proceeded to eat every last crispy fried chunky chip off my plate. So much for stopping at half. A quick calorie tally back at my desk showed the true horror of what I had done. Gulp.

I confessed to D via text and got the most awesome reply “...honey remember the Sixx AM song it’s not your whole life it’s just 1 day”. He’s referencing the Sixx:A.M. song Accidents Can Happen and if you don’t know it – have a listen below. It is of course about drug and alcohol addiction but applies equally to those of us fighting an obsession with food. Thanks D, that’s just what I needed to hear.

Thursday, October 1, 2009

Week 2 weigh in

Another 800 grams gone this week. 'Poof' never to be seen again. Feeling like my engine is well tuned at the moment.

I can sense the edge of hunger creeping in when I'm just about to fall asleep and by the morning it's well and truly tapping it's foot waiting for breakfast. And yet there are few times that I'm actually hungry when I shouldn't be. Early days yet but great motivation to keep going!

Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Keeping to a routine when eating alone

D goes away for work tomorrow until Sunday. Normally I eat like crap while he's away. There's chips and dip and chocolate biscuits followed by toasted sandwiches laden with cheese.  Not because I'm pining for him (although I do miss him) but because I seem to lose sense of routine and do the calories really count if there's no one to see you eat them?

I am determined that I won't fall into this pattern this time.  I'm keeping busy on Thursday night and have a friend coming for dinner on Saturday with the invite specifying that the meal will be something healthy. That way I won't be tempted to just get Chinese takeout from around the corner. I can make it through Friday on my own...must ask D to hide the chocolate pretzels.

Sunday, September 27, 2009

Avoiding fake conversation with skinny friends

So far I've only told one person aside from my partner that I'm counting calories. Not because I'm afraid that I'll fail and look stupid - I will not fail.  No, I think it's because I don't have the energy to engage in fake conversations with skinny friends about what I should and shouldn't eat. 

My approach this time is simply about eating a sensible amount of fuel as opposed to limiting fat grams or points. I have friends following Weight Watchers that are restricted to the equivalent of about 600 calories less than myself each day. Sure, they may lose more than me to start with but I bet they're hungry more than I am. I am a foodie. I can't and don't want to change that. I just need to focus my obsession on better foods and stop being a lazy eater.

Thursday, September 24, 2009

Week 1 weigh in

A whole 1.1 kg off. It's been an awfully long time since I've seen 96 point anything flash up on that little screen.

I know first week is usually a biggie due to fluid loss etc but I've also done almost no exercise so bonus for me!

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

7 days down...but not hungry?

It's Wednesday night and I've got my first weigh in tomorrow morning. I could pretend that I haven't been stepping on the scales every other day but that would be a big fat lie. I know it's counter-productive and I know my weight swings between morning and night but still curiosity gets the better of me.

Calorie wise I'm doing well but am a little concerned that I'm not constantly hungry. I certainly was when I was on Weight Watchers. And Jenny Craig. And every other diet I've ever been on for that matter. Of course hunger wasn't an issue when I was on the diet pills back in 2001 - that was awesome! But the weight piled on as soon as each diet ended.

I'm determined that this time I'm not on a diet - it's the same ole story about changing habits and being healthier so I'm following the 'less is more' philosophy. A small loss each week quates to a higher chance of maintaining it. Well that's the plan. Let's see what the scales say in the morning.

Sunday, September 20, 2009

The potholes of shearing food

D and I met online and part of his profile outlined his desire to find someone to 'shear his life with'. This quickly became an ongoing joke and D now goes out of his way to use the word share (or more precisely ‘shear’) to which I respectfully ‘baaa’ in response.

So this morning I made pikelets for breakfast which we shared (baaaa) across the kitchen counter. I love it when he keeps me company in the kitchen, even if he’s not helping. However this morning highlighted yet again one of those un sign-posted pot holes on the road to weight loss. Fairness.

D and I are 30 somethings with plenty of baggage and we both make an effort to contribute to our relationship equally. Whether that be emotionally or by helping out with the laundry. It's only fair. But what about food? You get half, I get half. Right? Not now Papa Smurf. D works his butt off for a living - I warm a chair all day. Fairness simply won't work. Even saving my other quarter for lunch the next day would be too much sometimes. So this is one area where sharing (baaa) equally isn't expected - go ahead D, take another pikelet. 

Friday, September 18, 2009

When a loving partner yells at you

I am the luckiest woman on earth. I have an awesome partner (we'll call him D) who not only thinks I'm gorgeous and smart but also tells me so on a regular basis. It took me a long time to be able to accept these compliments without throwing back a sarcastic response but I think I've mastered it now.

D hates it when I talk about being fat or obese. He simply doesn't see it. Perhaps he sees it as destructive self loathing. For me it is simply verbally reminding myself that my body is not at optimum efficiency.  Much like a badly tuned car engine, which you’d think D would totally understand.

So this week I've tried to educate him on the health implications - this isn't merely about fitting 'normal' clothes (ooo...maybe tomorrows post!). 

Don’t get me wrong – if I ask D to be my gatekeeper he will gladly eat all the chips and dip – but he’ll still yell “you’re not fat” when I fall into the depths of despair after not exercising. Maybe we could change that line to “you’re still gorgeous” so it doesn't come across as being so unsupportive?

Thursday, September 17, 2009

What's with the pretzels?

Why am I doing this? It's those damn chocolate covered pretzels.  Specifically FLIPZ which (thank god) we can't get here in New Zealand. 

But I could get them when living in London 10 years ago.  From a beautiful vending machine on level 8 of the concrete tower I worked in for 14 hours a day.  Of course, back then I was a highly paid contractor with a 20-something's metabolism.  

The affair didn't last long but the memory remained. Subsequent trips back to the UK and then to the US have enabled the flirtation to continue.  Our last trip saw me eating FLIPZ for breakfast on multiple days. And the huge tub I brought home taunts me from the top of the pantry on a daily basis. So hard to say no. But I don't want the affair to end this time. And I certainly don't need the calories.

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